20 jarringly specific and (perhaps not entirely serious) predictions about the 2018 college football season

1. After being asked, on a particularly intemperate mid-August day, about the state of the Alabama quarterback battle between Tua Tagovailoa and Jalen Hurts, Nick Saban brandishes a Coca-Cola bottle and declares it to be his starter in the season-opener against Louisville. The Coca-Cola bottle subsequently calls a press conference in which it states (through a translator) that it is transferring to Georgia Tech to be closer to its family. Saban starts Tagovailoa, who completes 18-of-24 passes for 291 yards and three touchdowns in Alabama’s 39-10 victory over Louisville.

2. With Michigan trailing Notre Dame 21-18 and facing a 4^th-and-3 at the Notre Dame 32-yard line late in the fourth quarter, Jim Harbaugh calls for a play referred to as “Spongebob.” Quarterback Shea Patterson takes a shotgun snap, does a backflip, shouts some nonsense at a perplexed defensive end, scrambles until he hyperventilates, and then hurls a pass that angles off two defenders’ helmets and the belt buckle of a side judge before landing in the hands of wide receiver Donovan Peoples-Jones for the game-winning touchdown.

3. In Week 2, Michigan State beats Arizona State 45-9, prompting ASU coach Herm Edwards to deliver a fiery postgame lecture about the potential of Bitcoin technology.

4. After his Florida Atlantic team upsets Oklahoma, starts the season 3-0 and puts up an average of 46 points per game, Lane Kiffin denies rumors that he will become the head coach of the Canadian Football League’s Saskatchewan Roughriders.

5. A Tennessee man blames repeated viewings of the Imagine Dragons’ song “Natural” during college football broadcasts for brainwashing him into purchasing a nearby Chick-fil-A franchise.

6. After giving up an average of 67 points through its first four games of conference play, a Big 12 program proclaims that it will stop fielding a defense altogether. The team wins four of its next five and becomes the subject of a Michael Lewis book.

7. In Week 3, Iowa State pulls a stunning 24-17 upset over a struggling Oklahoma team, defeating the Sooners for the second consecutive year. The Cyclones briefly become a playoff sleeper and then lose to Akron on a last-second field goal the following week.

8. Stanford’s Bryce Love rushes for 277 yards on 14 carries in a 24-14 win over Oregon, becoming the clear Heisman Trophy favorite. An anonymous NFL scout, upon hearing of Love’s interest in stem-cell research, questions his commitment to the sport.

9. With Florida Atlantic at 7-0, Kiffin denies rumors that he will become the head coach of the Philadelphia Soul of the Arena Football League.

10. A Tuesday night Mid-American Conference game between 1-6 Kent State and 0-7 Bowling Green draws a crowd of 46 paying customers.

11. West Virginia’s Will Grier, a preseason Heisman Trophy favorite, throws for an NCAA-record 742 yards in a 91-7 win over Kansas. Asked if he was deliberately running up the score, Mountaineers coach Dana Holgorsen says, “It’s the Big 12, man. We’ve literally given up on defense.”

12. Realizing that his $75 million, 10-year contract is entirely guaranteed, Texas A&M coach Jimbo Fisher installs a single-wing offense inspired by Knute Rockne’s Notre Dame teams of the 1920s. The Aggies defeat Kentucky, 6-4, and win five more games without scoring more than 11 points in any of those contests, thereby altering the philosophy of nearly 90 percent of the high school football teams in Texas.

13. In a thrilling "Kick-Six" irony, undefeated Alabama defeats previously undefeated Auburn in the final week of the regular season after Auburn’s redshirt freshman placekicker faints from fear while attempting a game-winning 54-yard field goal with no time remaining on the clock. The Tigers’ holder fumbles the ball, and as an Alabama defender recovers and returns it for a touchdown, a seemingly obvious holding penalty on the Crimson Tide is overlooked. The play becomes known as “The Sleeper Hold.”

14. Trailing Ohio State 24-7 in the third quarter, Harbaugh pulls Patterson as his starting quarterback and inserts freshman Dylan McCaffrey, who rushes for 128 yards and two touchdowns, and throws for 115 yards and another touchdown, in the Wolverines’ 28-24 comeback victory. Ohio State message boards are rife with conspiracy theories that the McCaffrey who entered the game was actually Dylan’s brother Christian. Harbaugh issues a non-denial denial.

15. Florida Atlantic finishes the season 12-0 and blows out UAB, 34-7, in the Conference USA title game. The Owls finish 19^th in the final College Football Playoff rankings, behind a five-loss Pac-12 team. Kiffin denies that he is being considered for the newly vacant head-coaching job with the Dallas Cowboys. Two weeks later, he becomes the head coach at Miami’s Southridge High School. “Downward mobility is the new upward mobility,” Kiffin tweets.

16. Wisconsin defeats Michigan 14-9 in the Big Ten Championship Game, Alabama defeats Georgia 27-21 in the SEC Championship Game, Washington beats Utah 28-10 in the Pac-12 Championship Game and Clemson beats Virginia Tech 31-17 in the ACC Championship Game. In the Big 12 Championship Game, West Virginia defeats TCU 118-111 in 12 overtimes.

17. The four playoff teams are Wisconsin, Alabama, Clemson and Washington. West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen protests the decision by shaving his mullet.

18. The organizers of the Frisco Bowl announce that they will hold next year’s game in an empty stadium, since all the money they make comes from television. Amid the barrage of publicity, five other minor bowls immediately follow suit.

19. Alabama defeats Wisconsin 42-9 in one semifinal behind 314 yards passing and three touchdowns from Tagovailoa; Clemson beats Washington 34-12 in the other semifinal behind 375 yards passing from true freshman Trevor Lawrence. Clemson coach Dabo Swinney calls an Alabama-Clemson title-game rematch, “Like wrestling an alligator in a monsoon.”

20. Trailing by 14 points in the second half, Saban replaces Tagovailoa with Jalen Hurts, who throws two touchdown passes to tie the game at 28-28 in the fourth quarter. Meanwhile, Swinney replaces a struggling Lawrence with redshirt freshman Chase Brice, who throws a 37-yard game-winning touchdown pass with 16 seconds to play. Afterward, all four quarterbacks announce their intentions to transfer to Florida Atlantic.