Expanding the NFL skills challenges to include the fun parts of football

That’s all well and good, but it’s fair to say the league didn’t explore enough possibilities to make this thing reach its true potential. With an event so disdained as the Pro Bowl, there’s no half-stepping if you really want to capture the attention of the nation.

Stealth Facebook Live Broadcast

This one might be tricky to arrange since it requires the speaker to be unsuspecting. We can work out the details once we get it approved. It works like this: a coach is giving a speech and the player has to capture the whole thing on Facebook Live without getting caught. But no cheating like Antonio Brown and being behind a locker. This is all going to be out in the open, so it will require some real subterfuge.

Most Distracting Boat Party

Just what it sounds like. The NFL invites a couple celebrities and arranges for them to hang out on a boat. Add NFL players and viola, a perfect recipe for overheated outrage. Joe Buck serves as judge as players lounge about, take selfies, sip on some drinks. Whatever it is that he thinks might detract from their play in an upcoming playoff game. Whatever behavior causes the most broadcaster scorn wins.

Viral Video Motivation Index

Ben McAdoo led the Giants to a victory over the Cowboys this season by making his watch a viral video of a man punching a kangaroo. This is how we find out which players are best at the Internet. Each one picks some sort of Internet content – be it a video, GIF, meme, song, whatever – and uses it to fire up other football players. How will we measure motivation? Sitting heart rate? Make them try to run through a brick wall? Loudest scream after viewing? I’m open to any of these ideas.

Big Man TD Toss

Inspired by Dontari Poe’s touchdown lob over the line of scrimmage during the regular season, we arrange for an array of other 300-plus pound players to do the same thing. And if they don’t feel like the throw is there, they can try to run it in. It’s also fun seeing a bunch of linebackers and DBs try to bring down a huge lineman.

Turnover Freestyle

Why should these competitions only emphasize the positive? I say we bring in all the worst, most bumbling quarterbacks from around the league and let them do their thing. Encourage them to extend the play and make the most hilarious turnover possible, be it an interception or a fumble.

Chain Snatching

Aqib Talib looked like he got so much enjoyment out of breaking Michael Crabtree’s chain this season, it seems wrong to deprive others of the chance. For this event, a receiver stands on the field wearing a chain and, if the contestants breaks it, another is added. They keep doing until the defender can’t break them all in one pull.

Dildo Dodge

I know there’s a dodgeball game in place, but this is a different enough concept that I think it will work. The players line up 11-on-11 and execute plays like they normally would. The only difference is Bills fans line the field and try to pelt them with dildos. There’s no real penalty for getting hit aside from minor humiliation. So the stakes aren’t very high, but rest assured I could watch hours of this.

Best Celebration

Look, if you’re not going to allow players to do it during the actual games, you might as well give them some outlet. We already know fans enjoy it. So if we’re never going to get the NFL to relax and let players cut loose on the field, might as well have one chance a year to let players go wild without threat of fine. 

Anything else is robotic.